


keep him, love him

by orangina



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Euro 2016, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-08
Updated: 2016-07-08
Packaged: 2018-07-22 06:21:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7423474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orangina/pseuds/orangina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Germany lost <strike>and I'm sad</strike>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	keep him, love him

**Author's Note:**

> i don't even know what to say

After the semi-final, Benni and Mats didn’t talk.

The final whistle blew, the French celebrated, and the Germans fell to their knees. Benni walked around a bit. His legs felt numb. He blew some air out of his mouth. He wasn’t really sure how to react. It had been too long since he’d last lost a game like this with his country, and so much and a world championship had happened in between 2012 and now that it made the time feel even longer.

He saw that Mats was on the pitch now. They brushed past each other, embracing quickly, but only for the cameras.

* * *

They had sex that night, and then they still didn’t talk for some time. The sex was neither bad nor particularly pleasurable. Benni was glad for it though, because he still was afraid of how he’d feel if he gave himself enough room to think about it.

Disappointed. That was how he felt.

The World Cup high was finally gone, the final echoes of it dusted away by tonight’s loss. And now what? He’d accomplished the biggest thing he possibly could as a footballer. He’d decided against making a big move to England and would run out his peak at the same club he’d been with for the past two decades. Die Mannschaft wasn’t the same 23 men anymore, and he and Mats and everyone else who’d been around the block and back would be called up less and less as they lost fitness and the youngsters filled in for them. People wouldn’t talk about them as the World Champions anymore. The world was moving on, and Benedikt Höwedes wasn’t.

Glory is great until you realize it’s over and that it’ll never, ever happen again.

* * *

At 2:38 in the morning, they talked.

It was dark.

“I don’t really care that much,” Mats said boldly. “We’re still World Champions.”

“You didn’t play,” Benni pointed out. He closed his eyes. He was lying on his back, and Mats was next to him.

“So?”

“You didn’t lose.”

“So you’re saying that Julian and Erik and Shkodran and Sami and Lukas and anyone else who didn’t play in the final aren’t World Champions?” Mats said.

“That’s not what I’m saying,” Benni said, offering no explanation to what he actually _was_ saying because really, he didn’t know. All he knew was that another tournament was over, another forgone opportunity, and that he was one opportunity closer to never getting an opportunity again.

“Come here,” Mats said.

When Mats hugged him, Benni could tell that Mats was crying. He couldn’t understand why because he didn’t believe it was possible for anyone to be more upset than he was in that moment. But Mats’ cheeks were wet and his body was shaking while Benni just lay there like a log in his arms. He was so comfortable, so safe and warm and just so _okay_ , and then he realized that it was too good to be true because along with everything else, this thing he’d had with Mats was going to be over soon, too. Mats was leaving the Ruhr and Benni could probably count the number of times they’d play competitively for Germany together again on one hand - he likely wouldn’t even need his whole hand.

He did need both his hands now, though, because they were both running over every inch of Mats’ skin that he could reach. They kissed, hard, and just for a moment, Benni was able to pretend that it was 2009 and everything was still just starting.

The kiss deepened, and Benni forgot.

(It’s over.)


End file.
